We had been trying for a few months to get pregnant. It was kind of hard not seeing the positive sign month after month, but we had just started. I knew I was being unreasonable. I'm impatient. Trajan came so fast I sort of just expected the same to happen again. It didn't. And that's okay. I took a pregnancy test April 7th and remember how excited I was to see it positive. It was surreal. We were going to be expanding our family! I was so excited I almost texted Tyler the news but thought to myself no, I need a "cute" way to tell him (Thanks, Pinterest!). I found a cute letter pretty much saying we were going to be a family of four. I tried to find out what stores he was going to be at during the day so we could meet up for lunch. It almost didn't happen. And if it didn't, I probably just would have texted him the news. But we met up for lunch and I gave him the card. It took him a few times to read it to get it. He thought it might have been an angry note from a neighbor. But when he finally did, the lights in his eyes was priceless. The happiness/joy/excitement on his face is something I'll never forget. We were so excited!
I sort of knew from the beginning this pregnancy was different. It just didn't feel real. I can't put into words exactly how I felt but I remember telling Tyler I felt like I was going to miscarry a few days after we found out. He told me not to worry. Honestly, I think Heavenly Father was preparing me. I handle things a little better with preparation. Had this been out of nowhere, I would have completely fell apart. Not saying I am handling this with tons of grace, because I have been a mess. But the feeling was strong, and no matter how hard I tried to shake it, I knew it was inevitably going to happen. I was never tired. Well, more tired. Trajan wears me out these days. But everything seemed normal. Too normal. No signs of pregnancy whatsoever. I had pretty bad morning sickness with Trajan so I was waiting for it to start. I know each pregnancy is different so I didn't expect the morning sickness to be as bad, but to at least come. It never did. I tried to keep my hopes up though. Constantly researching the stats of miscarriages. My pregnancy with Trajan was very healthy, as in I was the definition of a healthy pregnancy. So I kept telling myself I birth healthy babies and had strong pregnancies so a miscarriage could never happen to me. As much as I wanted to convince myself, I just knew. Strangely, knowing it would happen was a tender mercy. It was a sign of love from Heavenly Father. He knows me, and he loves me and knew what I needed to get through this.
At the end of April Tyler was going to a work conference for a whole week. I decided I didn't want to be alone and I hadn't seen my parents for awhile so I flew to MN. That's when it happened. I woke up at 3:30 am Sunday night/Monday morning, pretty standard for me since my first pregnancy and I also had the flu. Then I saw what I was dreading, blood. Instantly I started crying because I knew what was happening, I was miscarrying. I stood alone in the bathroom panicking. I ran to my phone in the bedroom called Tyler crying, and told him what was happening. He told me to call the Dr. I delivered Trajan in MN so I knew exactly who to call. I spoke to an on call dr and she thought I might have just popped a blood vessel from traveling. Same with the triage nurse. Both tried to give me hope, just because it was blood did not mean it was a miscarriage. I understand they try to give hope, but I knew what it was. Giving me hope just seemed kind of cruel. I went to the Drs that morning to see how much HCG was in my blood. I was 6 weeks 5 days pregnant so it should roughly be at 10,000. I went in at 9 and had to wait 3 hours before I could find out my test results, so I went home. I called and they told me it was 1541. Heartbreaking. However, they wanted me back in 48 hours to see if it doubled which meant our baby was there and I was bleeding for some other reason. Such a long time to wait I thought. About 20 minutes after that call, I got another saying they wanted to do an ultrasound that same day. So I went back in. After the ultrasound the tech told me to wait to see if the dr wanted to talk to me and she did. The tech lead me to another room. As soon as the doctor came in and sat down, pointed to my ultrasound and said, "this doesn't look good." It only showed remnants of a placenta. My heart broke. I fought to hold back my tears as she explained the following steps. She also explained that when I became pregnant something with the baby didn't form right and if it were to survive, it would not have survived outside the womb. It didn't make me feel any better. I had to go back the next day for another blood test. Which revealed 24 hours later my hcg levels dropped down to 300, indicating to the Dr that this was a definite miscarriage.
It's been hard. I try to hold it together but I feel like a mess. I'm depressed. I keep to myself when I'm depressed. However, I was blessed to be with my mom and dad who watched Trajan when I felt too tired. Trajan has also been more cuddly towards me and at times, has even wiped a tear or two away. Everyday I realize what a blessing Trajan is, and the past few days I've kissed him more than usual and hugged him a little longer and a little harder. And although Tyler was far from me he was the best supporter and friend through all of this. I left MN early to be with him, which has helped.
What I do knew from this experience is that I am not alone. I am so grateful for the friends who have shared their stories and for the friends who have cried along side with me. It's given me courage to share this, in hopes I give someone else comfort in this trial, and to remember our baby.
I'm sad and that's okay. Death is never easy to cope with. But I know I am not alone. Christ lives. The power of the atonement is real and powerful. I'm grateful for the opportunity to be a mom. I'm grateful that my family does not end on this earth. I get to be a mom and wife for the eternities to come and that has brought me so much comfort. One day we're going to have the opportunity to raise our baby Heavenly Father knows how strong each of us are and what we are capable of going through. He has shown his love for me through this trial. He has a provided a way to live again, and to do so with our families. He has a plan and I have complete trust in him. Although I am sad today, I know someday our sad tears will turn to joyous tears when we get to meet our little baby and what a joyous meeting it will be. Heavenly Father hears our prayers. He's heard mine and has given comfort.
"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you... Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:18,27
