Mara's Birth Story

I should preface this story with where our hospital and midwives were located. We would drive 2 1/2 hours to Oklahoma because it was the cheapest option for us to have a baby. And for two, there is a talk by President Henry B. Eyring titled "O Remember, Remember" that challenged us to see how we see the hand of the Lord in our lives and Mara's birth story was an answer to a prayer and The Lord definitely had a hand in it.

Alright, so towards the end of my pregnancy Tyler was living in Michigan and flying back to Texas on the weekends. So, we talked to the midwives because I needed to be induced because 1) I wanted Tyler to be there and 2) I honestly didn't think by the time I realized I was in labor I would make it to the hospital. We were set to be induced on February 21, which was good because we were planning to move on the 24th if everything worked out. It would be a rushed schedule but doable.

However, at my 37 week appointment I was checked at I was a +1 position, 50% effaced and 2 cm dilated. My midwife told me she would be surprised if I made it to my induction date. Kind of terrifying to hear because that meant most likely Tyler would not be there and that meant I probably wouldn't make it in time to the hospital for an epidural. So at that point I started to prep myself on having a natural birth. But this midwife told me if I did make it to the weekend before my induction, if I came in on the weekend she would induce me, which was great because Tyler would be there, I would have more time to recover from birth and we would get to spend a little more time with family before we left (Tyler's brother and his family live in Dallas) and my mother and father in law were there too.

We spent the Saturday before hanging out with in-laws and took Trajan to an aquarium. I was way sad that he was no longer going to be my only baby. But I was also SO ready to have Mara. My pregnancy was rough. I went to the ER three times in three weeks to have fluids because I was throwing up so much. My throat was raw from how much I was throwing up and literally everything I ate had major consequences. There was a time I thought I was going to die before Mara was born. It was really hard on me physically and mentally. So yeah, I was ready for her to come.

We decided we would go in on Sunday 2/19 to be induced. My mother and father in law drove up with us because they were going to be taking care of Trajan and I invited my mother in law to be in the room as I gave birth. So Sunday morning we woke up early and started our 2 1/2 drive to Oklahoma. During the drive I think I might of had one or two contractions. I didn't really know how they started because I was induced with Trajan. We arrived at the hospital and went into triage. I told them I had started having a few contractions but they were far apart. And they looked at me like I was stupid. I told them I had specific directions that if I felt two contractions that I needed to go to the hospital right away because we lived so far away (you'll notice later on that I actually really hated the hospital and the nurses). They reluctantly monitored me. I had one contraction. A different nurse came to check me to see how far dilated I was and while she was doing that she made the comment about how awkward checking me was, which made me question her and if she was in the right line of work. After that the midwife, who was on lunch, said to walk around and come back two hours later. We were really afraid of being sent home so we spilled the beans about what the midwife told us to the nurse about getting induced. Which then the nurse then told us they didn't do inductions on the weekend because there wasn't an anesthesiologist or a dr to perform a c section if needed. Such bull crap. I was irritated. But I walked pretty much for those two hours non stop. I might have jogged a little too. Maybe did some squats and lunges. I was not going to get sent home.

Two hours passed and we went back and got monitored again. The midwife then came in and started talking to us. Turns out though, we got her in trouble with the nurses and they were all really mad she told us she would induce me. We felt SO bad. However, she kept talking to us and turns out she worked at the hospital on the Navajo reservation close to where my family is, also used to live 20 minutes from us in Texas, and graduated from the University of Utah. We had a lot in common so we talked for almost an hour. I was contracting during this time too. I was amazed because I really didn't have any contractions except for a sporadic few. The midwife then checked me and while she was checking me I had a contraction and went from a 4 to a 5 and that was a big contraction. After that the admitted us. We got checked in and did all the forms and questionnaires. My mother and father in law came into the room and we all talked for a bit. However, the nurses thought I was too happy to be in labor and their plan was to make me comfortable and send me home the next morning. We know this because our midwife told us. I'm going to say I absolutely loved our midwife. She was the only one who I felt ever listened to me and she truly cared for me as a patient. Anyways, she gave us the know to what the nurses were saying. So at that point I had Tyler and his dad give me a blessing, but right before the midwife and a nurse walked in. So I asked if we could have a moment alone and they said of course and then the midwife asked if we needed oil. We thought it was cool she knew what we were doing. Anyways, after we said our goodbyes to Trajan and my mother and father in law took him to their hotel room. Tyler and I started walking around the maternity ward because I was going to have this baby, even though those nurses didn't think I was in labor. And honestly, I had some choice words for those nurses. I didn't say them, but you better believe I wanted to chew them out.Anyways, we did MANY laps around the maternity ward. A LOT. Eventually my contractions started getting stronger and stronger but I was having back labor. At this point there was a shift change so I got a new nurse. Who tried checking me but because I have a weird shaped uterus or something, she couldn't find my cervix and told me I was not in active labor due to that and the fact I was having back labor. So we walked some more cause I WAS GOING TO HAVE THIS BABY. I didn't care what they thought. This baby was coming out one way or another. Also, at this point the nurses kept reminding the midwife not to give me pitocin.  So Mara had to come on her own. But because I was having back labor the nurse told me they couldn't deliver her because she was posterior and she would need to change on her own. Which is bull crap because I delivered Trajan with back labor. The nurse wanted to give me some sleep medicine and change me into a recovery room to "see" if Mara changed position. The midwife came in after the nurse and told us they wanted to make me comfortable and then send me home in the morning. If you can't tell all the nurses wanted to do was send me home. They honestly did not care I was in active labor. So after that they said I could walk or take a shower to see if that changed things. So I hoped in the shower and I prayed. Probably an odd place to pray but it was really the only time I was alone and not getting bombarded by nurses who didn't believe I was in labor. I spent a long time in the shower and then walked around some more.

At this point my contractions were coming every minute or close to there but I kept walking. Mentally I had to have Mara. I was going to prove those nurses wrong. I will say my contractions comparing them to being induced were much more mild. I kept expecting these excruciating sharp stabbing pains, and with Mara they never got that intense. I like to think it's because there was a huge difference between being induced and not, but I was more prepared to handle the pain this time. After a few more laps I went to the bathroom and lost my mucus plug. I tried to warn the nurse but she said that was because they just tried checking me. Literally the nurses were not listening. I was getting more frustrated. The midwife came in shortly after that because I looked miserable but I was trying to hold off on the epidural because I did not want to stop progressing. Anyways, I told her I lost my mucus plug and she said was going to get the anesthesiologist before she checked me because the hospital had a strict policy about no epidurals after 8 cm dilated and the midwife said that a lost mucus plug was a sign that you're at an 8. So she got the anesthesiologist and I got my epidural. Thankfully I only got poked one time compared to the three times I did with Trajan. After that it was just a waiting game. And we waited. and waited. I was expecting this birth to go a lot faster. Trajan was 12 hours, but not Mara. She was a full 14 hours. So into the early hours of the morning I was getting frustrated. I WAS SO HUNGRY. After the epidural I could only have ice chips. I tried sleeping but my legs were so tingly that I couldn't. Eventually the epidural kicked in fully and I got some sleep. The midwife came to check me and my water broke. At that point we called my mother in law to come because we thought the actual birth would happen soon. We waited another two hours. At some point they point an oxygen mask on me but the mask smelled terrible. Eventually I felt some pressure and it was time to push. There were about 6 nurses, the midwife, and tyler and my mother  in law in the room. The goal was to push her out in 10 minutes since it took me 20 minutes with Trajan. I didn't get her out after 10 minutes but after 14 minutes of pushing Mara was finally born at 4:20 am weighing 7 lbs 7 ounces and 18 inches long. We did skin to skin right away and she was just perfect. After an hour of skin to skin they did her vitals and she had tachycardia and had to be monitored but after a few tests she was as healthy as can be.

The Lord's hand was guiding us and Mara the entire time. He heard our prayers. He knew my heart and how badly I wanted to be back with Tyler in Michigan. He gave us a perfect and healthy little girl. We are so blessed.

God's Plan

I miscarried. There. It's out. Emotionally and physically it hurts. It hurts something fierce. I'm shocked. I'm sad. I'm angry. I'm hurt. I'm disappointed. I'm a spectrum of emotions that's constantly coming and going. It's hard. However, as the days go by, its gets incrementally better.

We had been trying for a few months to get pregnant. It was kind of hard not seeing the positive sign month after month, but we had just started. I knew I was being unreasonable. I'm impatient. Trajan came so fast I sort of just expected the same to happen again. It didn't. And that's okay. I took a pregnancy test April 7th and remember how excited I was to see it positive. It was surreal. We were going to be expanding our family! I was so excited I almost texted Tyler the news but thought to myself no, I need a "cute" way to tell him (Thanks, Pinterest!). I found a cute letter pretty much saying we were going to be a family of four. I tried to find out what stores he was going to be at during the day so we could meet up for lunch. It almost didn't happen. And if it didn't, I probably just would have texted him the news. But we met up for lunch and I gave him the card. It took him a few times to read it to get it. He thought it might have been an angry note from a neighbor. But when he finally did, the lights in his eyes was priceless. The happiness/joy/excitement on his face is something I'll never forget. We were so excited!

I sort of knew from the beginning this pregnancy was different. It just didn't feel real. I can't put into words exactly how I felt but I remember telling Tyler I felt like I was going to miscarry a few days after we found out. He told me not to worry. Honestly, I think Heavenly Father was preparing me. I handle things a little better with preparation. Had this been out of nowhere, I would have completely fell apart. Not saying I am handling this with tons of grace, because I have been a mess. But the feeling was strong, and no matter how hard I tried to shake it, I knew it was inevitably going to happen. I was never tired. Well, more tired. Trajan wears me out these days. But everything seemed normal. Too normal. No signs of pregnancy whatsoever. I had pretty bad morning sickness with Trajan so I was waiting for it to start. I know each pregnancy is different so I didn't expect the morning sickness to be as bad, but to at least come. It never did. I tried to keep my hopes up though. Constantly researching the stats of miscarriages. My pregnancy with Trajan was very healthy, as in I was the definition of a healthy pregnancy. So I kept telling myself I birth healthy babies and had strong pregnancies so a miscarriage could never happen to me. As much as I wanted to convince myself, I just knew. Strangely, knowing it would happen was a tender mercy. It was a sign of love from Heavenly Father. He knows me, and he loves me and knew what I needed to get through this. 

At the end of April Tyler was going to a work conference for a whole week. I decided I didn't want to be alone and I hadn't seen my parents for awhile so I flew to MN. That's when it happened. I woke up at 3:30 am Sunday night/Monday morning, pretty standard for me since my first pregnancy and I also had the flu.  Then I saw what I was dreading, blood. Instantly I started crying because I knew what was happening, I was miscarrying. I stood alone in the bathroom panicking. I ran to my phone in the bedroom called Tyler crying, and told him what was happening. He told me to call the Dr. I delivered Trajan in MN so I knew exactly who to call. I spoke to an on call dr and she thought I might have just popped a blood vessel from traveling. Same with the triage nurse. Both tried to give me hope, just because it was blood did not mean it was a miscarriage. I understand they try to give hope, but I knew what it was. Giving me hope just seemed kind of cruel. I went to the Drs that morning to see how much HCG was in my blood. I was 6 weeks 5 days pregnant so it should roughly be at 10,000. I went in at 9 and had to wait 3 hours before I could find out my test results, so I went home.  I called and they told me it was 1541. Heartbreaking. However, they wanted me back in 48 hours to see if it doubled which meant our baby was there and I was bleeding for some other reason. Such a long time to wait I thought. About 20 minutes after that call, I got another saying they wanted to do an ultrasound that same day. So I went back in. After the ultrasound the tech told me to wait to see if the dr wanted to talk to me and she did. The tech lead me to another room. As soon as the doctor came in and sat down, pointed to my ultrasound and said, "this doesn't look good." It only showed remnants of a placenta. My heart broke. I fought to hold back my tears as she explained the following steps. She also explained that when I became pregnant something with the baby didn't form right and if it were to survive, it would not have survived outside the womb. It didn't make me feel any better.  I had to go back the next day for another blood test. Which revealed 24 hours later my hcg levels dropped down to 300, indicating to the Dr that this was a definite miscarriage. 

It's been hard. I try to hold it together but I feel like a mess. I'm depressed. I keep to myself when I'm depressed. However, I was blessed to be with my mom and dad who watched Trajan when I felt too tired. Trajan has also been more cuddly towards me and at times, has even wiped a tear or two away. Everyday I realize what a blessing Trajan is, and the past few days I've kissed him more than usual and hugged him a little longer and a little harder. And although Tyler was far from me he was the best supporter and friend through all of this. I left MN early to be with him, which has helped. 

What I do knew from this experience is that I am not alone. I am so grateful for the friends who have shared their stories and for the friends who have cried along side with me. It's given me courage to share this, in hopes I give someone else comfort in this trial, and to remember our baby.

I'm sad and that's okay. Death is never easy to cope with. But I know I am not alone. Christ lives. The power of the atonement is real and powerful. I'm grateful for the opportunity to be a mom. I'm grateful that my family does not end on this earth. I get to be a mom and wife for the eternities to come and that has brought me so much comfort. One day we're going to have the opportunity to raise our baby Heavenly Father knows how strong each of us are and what we are capable of going through. He has shown his love for me through this trial. He has a provided a way to live again, and to do so with our families. He has a plan and I have complete trust in him. Although I am sad today, I know someday our sad tears will turn to joyous tears when we get to meet our little baby and what a joyous meeting it will be. Heavenly Father hears our prayers. He's heard mine and has given comfort. 

"I will not leave you comfortless: I will come to you... Peace I leave with you, my peace I give unto you: not as the world giveth, give I unto you. Let not your heart be troubled, neither let it be afraid." John 14:18,27

Life in Texas

I'm a terrible blogger. It probably stems from I don't like the way I write. But that should be motivation, but it's not. ANYWAYS, Texas is great. I love it here. It honestly feels like home for me. But I've always been a wanderer, and can make any place home. Everything has fallen into place for us here and it's been a big blessing for us in many ways. So moral of this, I like Texas. It's way better than I imagined, and if we ever have to leave, I'm going to cry.

Things have really changed for us! As in, we  have a "grown up" life now. NO MORE SCHOOL! Never thought I'd say that. Yes, we both graduated! I should have posted about that. Oops. But since we don't have homework,  I ran a 5k a few weeks ago. IT WAS AMAZING! I got into running after I came home from Spain but never did a race. Mostly because 3.2 miles seemed like forever. Growing up, I was that kid in school who hated running the mile. And 3.2 miles seemed to be half way around the world! Joking, but shows how much I hated it. But I signed up and actually ran! I trained because my mile time was (embarrassingly) at 16 minutes. That's what knee surgery and a baby will do to you. But my fastest mile time was 11:45!!!!  I'll be running more races now. Or you know, just keep up with my habit of running. And surprisingly 3.2 miles turned out to be NOTHING.

My 5k was the same weekend as Easter. We currently don't have any family in Dallas (but that changes this summer!!), so for Easter a girl in our ward put together a dinner with a few other families in the ward. Dinner was delicious and socializing is always fun, and who doesn't like to have minimal mess to clean up in the kitchen. We did easter eggs with Trajan the day before. What a nightmare! I know we do it for the memories, but we're renting and that dye does not come out of anything! Trajan just wanted to throw the eggs in the buckets, which means lots of dye water flying everywhere. It was a high anxiety filled afternoon.

I think that's it. If anything else happens, I'll probably post about it, in you know, 6 months down the road. 

Trajan's Birthday

Trajan's personality/accomplishments his first year:
Trajan can say mama, dada, bubba.
He can wave and blow kisses.
He LOVES music. He bangs on things constantly.
He walks like he owns the place.
He is constantly climbing on furniture and boxes.
Everything goes into his mouth.
He loves to laugh and smile.
Right now he has 4 teeth but has two more coming in.
He likes to mimic noises.
He likes to pretend read books but doesn't ever let you finish reading.

I can't believe Trajan is 1! The first year has flown by. He has developed such a cute personality and I am so thankful I get to be his mom. He has taught me so much about myself and the atonement.  I never knew how deep love could run until I had him. I've had more love for Tyler and Trajan. I just love my lil dude. He's kept me on my toes ever since he was born and I wouldn't have it any other way.

We did his 1st birthday party when my MIL was in town so she could be a part of it. He loved all the gifts he got and especially loved his cake. My mom sent some decorations and my MIL helped with the food. We had a lumberjack theme and honestly it was the most fun/stressful thing putting it altogether. Probably because finals started 2 days after his party. Worth it.

On his actual birthday we took him to Cabela's. They have a stuffed animal section and a little aquarium area. He loved the animals, hated the fish. At the end of our trip we got him a stuffed deer. It wasn't a big outing but he LOVED it. He kept pointing at all the stuffed animals. Afterwards we treated ourselves Trajan to Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory and we all enjoyed an apple and a rice krispie treat. 

Halloween

Halloween (besides Christmas) is one of my favorite holidays. I love decorating for it, carving pumpkins, and haunted houses. And lets not forget all the pumpkin food, am I right?! I've loved Halloween since I was a kid, and I won't lie, I went trick or treating until I was 17. Was that too old? No. No it was not. Good thing I got to use Trajan as my excuse to go this year. As we were about to trick-or-treating Tyler thought we were only going to go for like 10 minutes. Boy was he wrong! I specifically held off on buying any candy because we were going to take Trajan trick-or-treating. Why buy when you can trick-or-treat!

We started the day pretty relaxed because Tyler had to take a test this morning. Once he got home we had spooghetti for lunch.. Trajan was REALLY excited about the dyed spaghetti noodles. After lunch we carved pumpkins. Trajan had a blast trying to lift his pumpkin. However, he would not touch the guts.

I REALLY wanted Trajan to be a shark this year. I thought it would be SO cute. But soooo many people told me Trajan looked like jack-jack and I couldn't pass that up. He's the perfect age and he does look like jack-jack's doppleganger. So we were (the out of shape) Incredibles. We got a lot of compliments when trick-or-treating. We went during his nap time, so we only went for about a half an hour, and he looks so groggy. Still worth it!

Besides all the fun Halloween brings its a special day for us because it was the day Tyler and I met. I remember walking into the vantage office debating whether or not to do summer sales again. All I remember seeing was this really HOT guy. Like, he was soooo hot! He also had a great personality, (I'm not that shallow). I remember how easy it was to talk with him, and how much we had in common. Looking back I'm really glad I entertained the idea of summer sales. I really don't think there is anyone else that can relate to me as much as he can. Sappy, but who cares? I don't because I got to fall in love with that super hot guy.